Putative

If you don't know whether the child is biologically yours

Until DNA tests are done, a man never knows the child is his. If there is a decent chance the child is yours, presume it. Ask your attorney if DNA testing can be done before the answer or hearing date, or even before an adoption petition is filed You will probably need to pay for the testing. In many states, being unsure of whether the child is yours is an invalid reason for not filing a paternity statement or signing a putative father registry.

If you feel you must rely on mom's word, remember that mom's lies may not excuse you from signing a putative father registry, filing a paternity acknowledgment, or helping support mom financially

If you only suspect that your ex-girlfriend is pregnant or don't know where she is

Consult a family law or adoption law attorney. Many states consider you on notice of an adoption simply because you had sex. Thus, many states let you sign their putative father registries without confirming a pregnancy If a state lacks a putative father registry, the state may consider you to have a duty to investigate whether your ex-girlfriend became pregnant. How exactly one investigates this without violating the mother's privacy, risking a restraining order, or having grandpa shoot you, courts and the adoption gurus who support this notion never say. But consult an attorney to help you determine the potential mother's location. Once you locate mom, consult attorneys in that geographical area Attorneys have investigators who can find her. Try always to get an attorney to hire an investigator, rather than hiring an investigator yourself. Otherwise, act quickly. If your attorney does nothing, contact his state bar association and find another lawyer.

If I am in favor of the child being adopted, should I just let it go?

No. If you do not answer a petition for adoption, you will be involuntarily terminated, probably on grounds of abandonment You are telling your offspring, on the record, permanently, that you did not care about him/her. You will perpetuate the image of the unwed father as an abandoner There is no such thing as loving abandonment. Also, some states use involuntary termination of parental rights regarding a previous child as grounds for involuntary termination regarding a later child.

If I consent to an adoption, can I change my mind and get my child back?

Probably not. Biological parents can revoke their "consent" to the adoption before the court orders the adoption (called "finalization"). But revoking consent does not translate to "getting your child back." When a biological parent consents to the adoption, he puts the adoptive parents essentially on equal legal ground with him. Thus, when the bio-parent revokes his consent, most state courts hold a "best interest" hearing. The biological advantage is gone, and dad must now show that he can provide a more stable and permanent family relationship for the child than the prospective adoptive parents can. This is difficult to do, especially if the prospective adoptive parents are married, better off financially than dad, and already have the child in their home. If you change your mind after the court orders the adoption, you may have the added burden of showing you were deceived or under duress when you consented to the adoption.

For that matter, any evidence of indecision you exhibit during the pregnancy will hurt you. It is a permanent double standard. Moms can be confused about whether to place their children for adoption, who their children's fathers are, or whether the dads are "bad guys" this week. For moms, adoptions are "tough, emotional choices." But the law requires dads to be immune to emotions. One excuse for the attitude is that mom cannot be expected to know what to do if she does not know that dad is "fully" committed Who cares that dad is insecure because mom is not fully committed Instead, any indecision, confusion, doubt, anger, or other mixed emotion dad exhibits, however natural, marks him as unstable and insincere, hence one more step toward unfit, and more justification for why mom left him in the first place.

© 2004 Erik L. Smith